


To the Only Boy I've Loved Before

by nelka7122



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Feels, M/M, Poetry, Post-デュラララ!!×２ 結 | Durarara!!x2 Ketsu, Shizaya Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:47:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27935733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nelka7122/pseuds/nelka7122
Summary: A collection of short letters Izaya writes to Shizuo, but never has the heart to send.[Shizaya Week Day 5: Confessions]
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya
Comments: 13
Kudos: 44
Collections: Shizaya Week 2020





	1. March 20th, 20XX

**Author's Note:**

> Day 5 of [Shizaya week.](https://shizayasweek.tumblr.com/post/631307204540170241/shizaya-week-prompts-and-dates)  
> Prompts used: Confessions  
> Title is a bit of a reference to "To All the Boys I've Loved Before" but besides writing confessions on letters and not sending them, there is literally no other correlation.

**From:**  
Orihara Izaya   
**Address:**  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxxx]

 **To** :  
Heiwajima Shizuo  
**Address** :  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxx], Japan

  
~✶✶✶~

_Twisted, tainted, tormented, unfeeling_  
_Tasteless, wicked, devious, corrupt,_  
_Eyes looking high at the stars on the ceiling_  
_Emotions bottled up, about to erupt_  
  
_A trauma so deep I ended up scared_  
_I know I could have died on that day_  
_I thought I was brave and thoroughly prepared_  
_I thought that I could have my way_  
  
_Then all of my plans came to ruin_  
_When I was one inch away from dying_  
_We should have stopped what we were doing_  
_For me it was all too terrifying_

_The monster that hides behind your eyes_  
_Is the very same monster that I despise_

_~✶✶✶~  
_


	2. April 18th, 20XX

**From:**  
Orihara Izaya   
**Address:**  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxxx]

 **To** :  
Heiwajima Shizuo  
 **Address** :  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxx], Japan

~❀❀❀~

_They say absence makes the heart grow fonder._   
_Is that why I can’t stop thinking about you?_

~❀❀❀~


	3. May 4th, 20XX

**From:**  
Orihara Izaya   
**Address:**  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxxx]

 **To** :  
Heiwajima Shizuo  
**Address** :  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxx], Japan

~¥¥¥~

_We since have long parted ways_  
_But the memories of you I can’t erase_  
_I tried so hard to forget_  
_But all I feel is a deep regret_  
_Now we’re older, grown, matured_  
_Rest easy after all we’ve endured_  
_Except I cannot, not just yet_  
_Not until I’ve settled my debt_

~¥¥¥~


	4. June 8th, 20XX

**From:**   
Orihara Izaya   
**Address:**   
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxxx]

**To** :   
Heiwajima Shizuo  
 **Address** :   
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxx], Japan

~☀☀☀~

_~~I miss you.~~ _

_~~I’m lonely.  
  
I want to see you.~~ _   
  
_~~Please. Don’t~~ _

_Leave me alone._

~☀☀☀~


	5. July 17th, 20XX

**From:**  
Orihara Izaya   
**Address:**  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxxx]

 **To** :  
Heiwajima Shizuo  
 **Address** :  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxx], Japan

~☁☁☁~

_I often ask myself was it a mistake_   
_Should I have swallowed my pride?_   
_I pushed you too far and forced you to break_   
_When I should have cast my hubris aside_   
  
_I often ask myself what would it take_   
_To bring the waves down to low tide_   
_To stop an ever raging, shaking earthquake_   
_For the turbulent tempest to subside_

_I often ask myself how I can fake_   
_The appearance of being happy inside_   
_When I know I’m slowly starting to break_   
_Collecting all the tears that I’ve cried_   
  
_You and I, we’re one and the same_   
_You’re a part of me I wish to reclaim_   
_And maybe it seems like it’s all been a game_   
_But for me…it’s been nothing but pain_

_~☁☁☁~_


	6. August 29th, 20XX

**From:**   
Orihara Izaya   
**Address:**   
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxxx]

**To** :   
Heiwajima Shizuo  
 **Address** :   
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxx], Japan

~☂☂☂~

_Do you remember the day we first met?_   
_I actually wanted to tell you, I thought you were really cool._

_Isn’t it ridiculous, this coming from a XX year old man now?_   
_It’s a little late, but I think I should still tell you._   
  
_I think you’re really cool._

~☂☂☂~


	7. September 16th, 20XX

**From:**   
Orihara Izaya   
**Address:**   
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxxx]

**To** :   
Heiwajima Shizuo  
 **Address** :   
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxx], Japan

~✈✈✈~

_Will you wait for me, for when I return?_   
_Some day, one way, will you yearn?_   
_To have me back right by your side_   
_If I promise by your rules I’ll abide?_

~✈✈✈~


	8. October 31st, 20XX

**From:**   
Orihara Izaya   
**Address:**   
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxxx]

**To** :   
Heiwajima Shizuo  
 **Address** :   
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxx], Japan

~❦❦❦~

_You will never read these._  
 _I know._  
 _I will never send these letters._  
 _And even if I did._  
 _You probably changed your address already._  
 _So it doesn’t matter._  
 _I just want to say it._  
 _What I’ve always wanted to say._  
 _But could never bring myself to._  
 _Being alone gives you a lot of time to think._  
  
 _And to think…and think…_  
  
 _I wish I could have seen the human sides to you._  
 _I knew they were always there._  
 _I knew but I always chose to ignore them._  
 _But I wish I hadn’t._  
 _Maybe then, I could have come to love you._  
  
~❦❦❦~


	9. November 11th, 20XX

**From:**   
Orihara Izaya   
**Address:**   
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxxx]

**To** :   
Heiwajima Shizuo  
 **Address** :   
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxx], Japan

  
~❄❄❄~

_I take that back._   
_About coming to love you…_   
_I could never just ‘come to love you’_

~❄❄❄~


	10. December 24th, 20XX

**From:**  
Orihara Izaya   
**Address:**   
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxxx]

  
**To:**  
Heiwajima Shizuo  
 **Address:**  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxx], Japan

~☠☠☠~

_Like a rose blooming_   
_In the winter’s chill. It will_   
_Not bloom. Only die._

~☠☠☠~


	11. January 28th, 20XX

**From:**  
Orihara Izaya   
**Address:**  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxxx]

 **To** :  
Heiwajima Shizuo  
 **Address** :  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxx], Japan

~♥♥♥~

_~~What I said before.  
About coming to love you.  
~~ ~~I can’t just ‘come to love you’  
~~ ~~Because  
I already do.  
I always have.  
  
I L O V E Y O U. ~~ _

~♥♥♥~


	12. February 14th, 20XX

**From:**  
Orihara Izaya   
**Address:**  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxxx]

**To** :  
Heiwajima Shizuo  
 **Address** :  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxx], Japan

~☃☃☃~

_Find me already._   
_Kiss me or kill me. I think_   
_Both would be just fine._

~☃☃☃~


	13. March 13th, 20XX

**From:**  
Orihara Izaya   
**Address:**  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxxx]

 **To** :  
Heiwajima Shizuo  
 **Address** :  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxx], Japan

~✉✉✉~

_~~I want to fix this.  
  
I need to fix this.  
  
~~Please let me fix this._

~✉✉✉~ ~~  
  
  
  
~~\---

  
Izaya seals the envelope, like all the other envelopes before.

He goes to put it in its designated box with the rest of the letters.

All of them, sealed and unopened. Never to see the light of day.

Except…

The box he opens contains a stack of files.

The files he’d _meant_ to take to the post office.

The box he’d _meant_ to mail.  
  
The letter in his hand slips out from his trembling fingers and gracefully settles on the floor.

What had he done?


	14. March 20th, 20XX

A week later, a letter arrives.

The writing is messy and looks akin to that of a child who'd just learnt how to spell. The ink spelling out Izaya's name and address is smudged and there are two finger print shaped stains just under it.

Izaya cuts open the envelope with a knife and with hands shaking violently, he pulls out the sheet of paper inside.

Five words are printed in black ink on the otherwise spotless, pure white parchment.  
  



	15. End.

**From:**   
Heiwajima Shizuo   
**Address:**   
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxx], Japan

  
 **To** :   
Orihara Izaya  
 **Address:**   
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]  
[xxxxxxx]

◖ ◗

_Come back._

_I miss you._

●


End file.
